Why Criticism Sticks

One small critical comment can feel bigger than your entire track record, and it can follow you into the shower, your commute, and right up to the moment you fall asleep. We get real about that experience and why it happens, even when you know logically that you also received a ton of praise. The answer sits in a very human piece of psychology: negativity bias. Our brains are wired to prioritize threats, and social feedback can register like danger because belonging has always mattered for survival.

We unpack how rumination starts, why certain people’s comments hit harder (leaders, partners, anyone with influence or emotional weight), and how to tell the difference between actual constructive feedback and someone simply being unkind. We also talk through what it looks like to “unpack” a comment for intent and missing facts, and why creating space between reaction and response can save relationships and protect your reputation at work. If you tend to want immediate resolution, we explore that too, including how different conflict styles can keep you stuck in the stories you tell yourself.

You will leave with practical tools for emotional regulation and resilience: naming what is happening, calming your nervous system with breathwork, using “I am safe” self-talk, and building an intentional file of positive feedback so your brain has real evidence to pull from when the inner critic gets loud. If this hits home, subscribe, share this with someone who overthinks feedback, and leave a review. What’s the one comment you still replay, and what would it take to let it go?

Transcript

Celebrating Consistency And Episode 75

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hello, and welcome to Life on 10. Hello, friends and family. It is Angela and Vanessa. Hello, everyone. Oh my goodness. I am so proud of us, Vanessa. Yesterday or two days ago, um, it popped up on my phone that our next podcast was out there. Yeah. I'm just like, oh my gosh, we are on top of it every two weeks.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

We're throwing out a new and guess what? This last episode, podcast episode number 75. We just did our 75th episode.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Oh my gosh. So we'll have to do some celebrations for our 100th episode. We will. We'll definitely bring on past guests, like a reunion show. Reunion. I love it. It would be so great. Yeah. Well, I hope everyone is having a wonderful almost summer. It feels like summer here in California. And um, I'm looking forward to it. Looking for the heat.

Why One Critique Takes Over

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Let's get started with what I think is going to be a very interesting topic. Yeah. Um, so I'm gonna hand it over to Vanessa to introduce the topic, and then we are gonna have a really robust conversation.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

Okay. So you everybody has been there, done that. You are in either, let's say you're in a meeting or you are at a review, an annual review, or something, and you get all these wonderful things said, or you know, you're rocking it, you're doing all the metrics at work, or you're doing whatever. And then somebody says something that is critical. Why is it that that critical thing you then ruminate about for the next week? Like you wake up in the morning, you get in the shower, and it's the first thing that you think about. You go to bed and it's the last thing you think about. I I just I don't know. Now, mind you, there could have been a hundred other things, a hundred positive things, yeah, that were said to you. But that one thing just kind of sticks with you. And it, and and so I had I had something similar to that. I'm not gonna go into specifics, but I had something similar to that where I was like, wow. It and it just felt like everything I'd done for this one person just didn't matter because if if that was kind of like what he thought, then it's like, but I I spent way too much time on it and it's over. But I just I really felt like, do we all do that?

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Yeah, we do.

Negativity Bias And Survival Wiring

SPEAKER_00 2:36

So, and I'm gonna tell you why. Um, I think here's my thought though. I feel like some of us do it more um with more intensity than others. For sure. Some can um hold on it and maybe nibble on it for a little bit and then let it go, and then others just feast on it. Yeah um, and that does have something to do with past experiences as a child. Um, but this let's let me go, let me just read the official reason why we do this as human beings. It is called the negativity bias. Negative comments stick with us due to an evolutionary survival mechanism called negativity bias, which causes our brain to prioritize threats over positive information. Historically, focusing on danger, negative input, was more crucial to survival than celebrating success.

SPEAKER_02 3:32

There you go. The other thing, when you think about it, is we are such social creatures, and it's so important for us to be. I mean, that's how we survived, right? Because by being a part of community. Right. That when there's negative comments or criticisms, your brain can perceive that potentially as a risk of you falling out of the group. Rejection. Rejection being singled out. And that is also an evolutionary force that you know, we need to fit in, we need to be a part of this. And if we're doing something that is negative that is might maybe get us ostracized from the group, we're gonna be eaten by a lion later on.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

I mean, that's funny, and it's also very, very true. You know, there are no more saber-toothed tigers, but the brain hasn't evolved that, you know, much. So the amazing thing about the brain, what I tell my clients is what would it be like if you really took into consideration or took a different perspective? As this is something really bad, I'm doing this, I'm ruminating over this, I should not um stop it. Brain bad, brain bad. Bad brain. Um, no, actually, this is your brain trying to protect you. Yeah. So we're never going to get rid of that feeling that you feel when someone says something unkind. Yeah. Or there is a criticism. It's never gonna go away.

Building A Bank Of Positives

SPEAKER_00 5:05

Exactly. So if something, if we can't totally remove something, then what's our other option?

SPEAKER_02 5:12

Well, I think one of the options is to when you get, because we one of the things that we don't do typically, naturally, is to really focus on the positive comments, right? And I remember this is something Angela had me do years ago with patient comments. She told me to collect them. So when I would have something positive from a patient, write it down and like focus on it and put it in like a little jar. And then if I'm feeling bad or have a maybe a negative patient comment, reach in there and pull out that jar where it says, Dr. Walker, you're awesome. You saved my life or something because it will help you during those times. And so I think filling up your piggy bank with positive comments, but you have to put them in there intentionally. You do, because we're not gonna automatically put them in.

SPEAKER_00 6:01

No, yeah. No, we that's the other interesting thing is that we like positive compliments, yeah, right. We don't hold on to them as long as you hold on to that negative. So I forgot what the stats was, so I'm just gonna make them up, but you'll get the picture. It's okay. The government does it all the time. We're good. Sorry, continue. She's sneak dissing me. Sneak diss. That was, as Kendrick would say, that was coming at us direct flight. Love me to Kendrick Lamar. Okay, back on topic. Um, so it's, I don't know what the stats were, but basically what it was about is that you can have like 15 positive compliments. Yeah. And one, just one tiny unkind thing said to you, and you will focus on that. Yep. So now we know that this is the brain's way of protecting us. It's trying to, hey, Vanessa, we're in danger here. Danger, real Robinson, danger, real Robinson. I'm dating myself. We're in danger. We need to focus on that. We need to focus on that because that can potentially be harmful to us. And that's where the rumination comes in. Okay. So we can't stop it. We can manage it though. Yes. Right. And one way is what you just shared. And I think also just being aware of this is oh, okay, this is my brain. It's trying to protect me. Breathing, doing some breath work and saying it's okay. I'm okay. Yeah, I'm safe. Yeah.

Weigh The Source And Intent

SPEAKER_02 7:44

No, I and I think part of it is that it depends a lot of times on where it's coming from.

SPEAKER_00 7:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 7:50

Right. In that if it's somebody that you really respect or love, or you know what I mean, you have a lot, you have an intense or very close relationship with is one, those comments can be much more powerful, right? But also from people who have potential control or high impact over your future in some way. That's why, you know, comments from bosses or outside people, you know, that that might potentially derail you if they think negatively of you. So it's also looking at where is this comment coming from?

SPEAKER_01 8:24

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 8:24

Giving it weight. Is this a was it did somebody say that your hair looked like shit? But is it who does this person? Do they matter, right? Like, like let's look at that and just be like, well, what does it matter if they think of me? But if it's somebody who you determine has significant value or impact, then I also look at how, and this is what I did on my comment is that I unpacked the comment. I looked at it and said, what was the intent? What were they trying to tell me? Because they weren't being mean. And I think that's the thing that there's different types of negativity, right? There's negativity, someone's just being an asshole, right? That's that's a different thing. This was actual feedback, not intended to be cruel or mean, or you see what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Maybe not well delivered.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

I was gonna ask you, so delivery is everything. It is, delivery is everything. Absolutely. Um, I teach clients, I don't want to say I teach them, I help them find their voice when they have to have crucial conversations with their with their leader, with their manager, or even with their partner because it's all about how you're delivering the feedback. Exactly. So, how was this feedback delivered to you? What how did you perceive it to be delivered to you?

SPEAKER_02 9:50

As critical of the work that I was doing.

SPEAKER_00 9:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

And not delivering on what I needed to be doing. But ultimately, it came down to it that when I unpacked it, I realized that it the comment didn't matter because they truly didn't have all the insight and all the knowledge into what was actually happening. So maybe from their standpoint or point of view, that was the situation. But when I actually looked at it and was like, well, is that really what's happening? What is reality? Um, I just realized that they didn't have all the facts. So it was easy for them to make a statement like that without understanding that that actually was not factual. It wasn't true.

Responding Later Instead Of Reacting

SPEAKER_00 10:38

So how did you, I'm curious, how did you respond in the moment? Because that that's the thing too, is being able to pause, uh, create space between the reaction and so you can respond versus react. So how did you handle that handle that in the moment?

SPEAKER_02 11:00

In the moment, I did not respond.

SPEAKER_00 11:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 11:03

I just let it sit there because it I it was already getting a little there was some, I'm not gonna call it heated, but a little bit at times, and I didn't feel like it was I wasn't in the right space to respond appropriately. Right. Because I was gonna get angry. And then I didn't want to and then I knew that that person was gonna because classically, this individual doesn't respond well. So I didn't want to go there with me being not on my A game. Yeah, so I was smart, that's smart. So I sat on it, yes, and then went back later and said, Hey, I revisited it. Hey, I just want to touch base with you. I didn't, I want to just like that didn't land right. I'm not sure if you understood X, Y, and Z was occurring, and that's why this outcome occurred. That was never our intent, that was never, you know, and I went through and gave more information about it. But it the underlying fact that you know how when someone can jump to a conclusion about you.

SPEAKER_00 12:12

Oh, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 12:14

When you think that you have provided enough experience that should inform a belief that would make that conclusion not likely. The fact that they jumped to that conclusion, it just made you realize, well, I guess I was wrong. I did not create experiences for that person that gave them the belief that I would not do something like that, right? So it kind of gave me a lot of information.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

So so you're saying, so you're saying you in your in your mind, you're thinking this person should know better because they know me.

SPEAKER_02 12:47

They they I thought they did, but apparently not, or it's just their default, their defect, right? Like some people they don't see the good in anybody, no, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

So and that's and that's that's like yes, that is a truth. And and my mother used to say that you can't please all the people all the time. And if you are pleasing all the people all the time, you are not being authentic. Yeah, you are a chameleon, yes, and you're absolutely contorting yourself for each person, yep, and there is no authenticity there. Exactly. So you need to piss some people off.

SPEAKER_02 13:26

Yeah, no, and that's that's what I that's definitely one of the things that as you get in, especially as you move into lead more higher and higher leadership roles, um, you definitely realize that if you didn't make one per if you didn't piss one at least one person off that day, you probably weren't doing your job.

SPEAKER_00 13:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a quote, something like that. Yes.

unknown 13:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:51

You're not, as a young people say, you're not there's no motion. You're not having any motion if if everybody likes you. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so I'm I'm curious about which is hard for me. Uh I know. Okay, okay. This is perfect. We're gonna jump over a little bit more about that. So there are people who so wait, we all have it. We all have this thing, you know, the brain is doing its job, it's protecting us. Some of us hold on to the unkind words a little bit longer than others. Yeah, some people can feel that impact, and that sucks, that doesn't feel good, yeah, and they can let it go, you know, and then some people, it's becomes like a song in their head and they're singing it

Conflict Styles And The Stories We Tell

SPEAKER_00 14:41

all day long and day in and day out, like they just can't let it go. Yeah, you're saying you're one of those people where you're sleeping on it, you wake up with it.

SPEAKER_02 14:53

I can if I, and that's the thing for me. If I cannot confront that person and talk it out, that's what I do.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

Got it.

SPEAKER_02 15:05

So, so that when I fight with my husband, he wants to walk away and take a break. Yes, and I lose my ever-loving mind. I want to get to the resolution, end this fight, move on down the he needs time to think about it. So that's part of Robert and I how we argue is completely different. And I wish we would, I want to be like, let's just get it over with and be done. But I've had to realize that that's not gonna work out well. So you have to wait. I have to let Robert sit on it, and he always responds better in the morning. So that's how we do things. Mind you, I'm miserable all night long, pissed off or sad or worried or whatever the whole night. But the next morning we resolve and everything's fine. But when I have to recognize that if I do that fight when he's not ready to, it's way worse and things blow up and it's never good. So I always, well, you're just gonna have to not feel good and not have the resolution. So I'm somebody who likes to go at things, charge, get resolution, and move on down the road. Like I don't hold grudges.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

That's great. I don't hold you know what I mean.

SPEAKER_02 16:13

Like I want to resolve conflict, I want to fix things and move on. That's great. Um so if I can't address negativity or you know, figure out, air it out, find out what happened, then I'm bothered.

unknown 16:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:27

So you play it over and over again and trying to figure out what could I have done differently? How to or how am I gonna address this? What am I gonna do to fix it? What am I gonna do? You know what another, and if it's something that can't be fixed because it's just somebody's opinion and you can't do anything about, right? Yeah, like we said, there are some people that just aren't gonna like you. Definitely.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

And you have to just be okay with that. Yeah. I I acknowledge you for um what seems to be effortless for you, and that is to engage in these crucial conversations, to have those difficult conversations, because many people do not do that, they avoid the conversation, which uh which keeps the relationship like it makes it cloudy. It makes it yeah, it's you you have to air it out, you gotta like clean it out. But many people do not feel comfortable with conflict, yeah. And so they'll avoid it and they'll sit on it and they'll you know swallow it, but not really swallow it.

SPEAKER_02 17:33

Because the resentment exactly, it builds, it's there. I don't I don't love conflict, it's just more comfortable than avoidance. Avoidance is is not my friend. I hate avoidance, yeah, because it that because for me, what do we say? The tell the stories that we tell ourselves, absolutely, the story that I tell myself is almost always worse than reality.

SPEAKER_00 18:00

You know what?

SPEAKER_02 18:00

That's and so I want to get real since reality is better, let's get to reality, let's figure it out and then move on down the road. Because I guarantee you what I'm thinking right now is way worse.

SPEAKER_00 18:11

The story that you're making up. The story that I'm making up. Yep. I think the podcast before the one that we just um we just dropped was about clear as kind. Yeah. And this is what this is reminding me absolutely clarity, like seeking clarity and walking away. Um what are you I'm I'm thinking, what are you gonna say or what have

Kids, Personality, And Thick Skin

SPEAKER_00 18:33

you said to your children about when they receive unkind comments?

SPEAKER_02 18:39

So they're not so much at the point where they're getting in, they're getting into situations in which they're having conflict that arises from, I'm not gonna say important situations, but you know, like they don't have, they haven't had things where they're working on big group projects together, where they're having to work, or what, you know, it's they just don't have that type of interactions. Their interactions with other people are either at school, which is fairly superficial, um, and and then they're friends, but they're doing things that they enjoy, and there's not a lot of opportunity for conflict right now. Okay, they're at that stage in their life where they don't have a lot of conflict. Um, I will say that Salem is very much um, he doesn't care what other people think about him.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

How old is he?

SPEAKER_02 19:29

He is 10. Okay. And he just doesn't care. He's like, yeah, they don't like me. I'm the weird kid. He has a spot at the table and he'll go and he'll stare at the kid if they don't get up. Not like because he's being mean, but because that's where he sits. And that's a little bit of the autism, right? Like it's a little bit of that where it's just it's for him. That's the order, that's where he needs to sit, that's what he does. Right. Everybody knows that. And why are you sitting in my seat? That's the seat that I always sit in. Um, and so I said, Well, Salem, don't you know that that's people are gonna probably think you're a little weird if you just walk up and stare at them? And he just he doesn't care. It doesn't it doesn't affect him. Now, mind you, is that what he's just saying? Because it does affect him, but if he says it out loud, it won't. I don't know. I I can't tell if it's a coping mechanism for dealing with kids being mean to him or if it's reality.

unknown 20:16

Right.

SPEAKER_02 20:16

I'll have to wait until he has a little bit more insight and can talk to me about it, but I try, and right now he seems like to genuinely not care, and he's a pretty happy, well-adjusted kid otherwise. Um, Selma is um just all sass. Just I'm not gonna say she doesn't care, but um, but she is just so confident and so grounded in who she is, that she also doesn't let a lot of things hurt her or affect her because it she she just she's that's not in line with what I think about myself. So I don't care what you say, doesn't matter to me.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

Oh, I hope they keep this. I hope so too. Because in this world, that is as they would say, you need to have tough skin. Yeah. Um, so I hope they they keep that with them. I I don't know if you're like born, we were talking about this a little bit earlier. Are you born with this person? We're born with personalities. I don't know. Um, I think I remember back in grad school reading, like your personality is developed by the time you're five or three. It was five. I don't know. Yeah, it's it is young, it is very young, right? Yep. So are you born that way? Because I am the person who do not give a flying finkel stink. Yeah. What you say. In fact, it was almost fuel for me. Like the more you didn't like me, the boy, the bigger my head got. It was just like it was fuel. It was just like I just, I just I was a star. Like, I just know who I am. I know I'm a star, and you don't like me because I'm a star. Like, whether it was true or not, that was the story I told myself. Yeah. It's like, you're you're hating on me because I'm so freaking amazing. You could ask my sisters. Oh, I love it. I love it. Whatever. Um, but then I think about Jalen, and this is why I know your personalities. You're born with your personality. I remember when Jalen was four, and um, he was at um after school. Yeah. After school play or whatever. And his dad went to pick him up, and he said he walked up on Jalen. He's four years old, and he is railing into this kid. And James was like, What is going on? What was happening is Jalen was yelling and screaming at this kid over here because that kid had been picking on the other kid. That's Jalen. And that is who he is to this day. Yeah, to this day. He is the advocate. He is gonna fight for you.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

I think it's amazing. Yeah. No, I I agree. I absolutely think that that it's part of it. You know, I I've always been independent um and and you know, very self-I've always been very self-confident. However, my parents always made fun of me, my dad, especially, mostly in regards to sports, that I had quilt rabbit ears. I was always worried about what other parents were thinking about when I was pitching. So when I was pitching, and you know how if you do a bad pitch and then you hear somebody from the stands being like, someone needs to pull her out, you know, things like that. When you started, when I started hearing stuff like that, it really got to my confidence and perform ability to perform. Of course. And so my dad kept worrying, like, you can't let that worry you. Don't listen to them. Don't listen to them. That was like my always thing. But he called me, he put, and if if I did a bad pitch and then I followed it up with another bad pitch, he'd yell, rabbit ears to make me like remember, like, stop, don't like focus on the game. Don't listen to what's don't like forget the last pitch kind of a thing, right? And and go forward. Um, so that was always something that he said, but it was never, I I was never um bothered by, like I said, I I was very self-confident. And so um I wasn't really bothered by what other people thought of me, but also I don't know, maybe I just didn't hear it. Um people were always nice to me. I didn't, but I because I was always nice. I was always nice and I was funny. And you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 24:34

You were that nice, yeah. I'm funny person.

SPEAKER_02 24:36

I'm that nice, funny person that like I wasn't threatening. I, you know, like I I was smart, nice, and funny. I wasn't super pretty. I wasn't, I was the, you know, I was a fat girl, whatever. Like, so I wasn't threatening to any of the other girls. I was just, you know, it's just me. I was low-key. Yeah, you know?

SPEAKER_00 24:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:54

So I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

Maybe that was me growing up. I don't

Awareness, Safety, And Closing Takeaways

SPEAKER_00 24:58

know.

unknown 24:58

Um I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 25:00

Um anyway, I think I our conversation went a little bit sideways, but the truth is, I well, wrapping it up, the truth is this is something that we do. This is our brain protecting us. Yeah, it's never gonna go away. So how do we how do we manage it? How do we manage it? Um my thought is awareness first, like, yeah, this is my brain protecting me. Thank you, brain. And I'm safe. Yeah. Like literally saying this to yourself. I am safe. I got this. It's okay to calm that that energy down, to calm that concern down, that anxiety down. Um, and I do love collecting positive feedback. Yeah, you're doing it from your patients, I do it from clients, I do it from friends. I don't write everything down, but I don't like it. But you file it, file it, file it back. So when that little critic or the brain is like trying to fire up and be like, hey, Angela, you're not so wonderful after all. I'll I'll pull from that. I'll pull from that memory. Yeah, and like, you know what? Someone said I really helped them. Exactly. Someone said, gosh, I'm so glad you were able to talk to me. Yeah, we have to respond to it. Like, you can't let it go out of control because it it can spiral into just a bed of negativity. Absolutely. All righty, agree. So hopefully, we shared some things um that you found value in. And if you didn't, we will not be offended. It's okay, it's okay. All righty, um, as always, live your life on 10. Your 10. Bye bye.